Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to
him/her before he/she goes to class.
Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and
fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes.
Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing,
get
up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without
one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf
for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed
onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to
"rescue" you.
Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day.
Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup.
When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and
tell your roommate, "I was curious."
Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in.
Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the
toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it
in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away
to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your
roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell/her
something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of
water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to
sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed
and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds,
until he/she does so.
Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin
to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say,
"Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile
at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then
jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing
beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans.
Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake
him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you
every morning.
Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies
for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she
tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey
them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until
he/she pays the tickets.
Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate
inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with
me."
Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering
you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in
a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel."
Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into
walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every
time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act
like you can see fine.
Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with
your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection
with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that
"Grandma
said hi."
Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your
collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and
angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases..
Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically
for about five minutes every time you put one on.
Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate,
crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she
looked like "the enemy."
Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and
subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize
all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head
crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and
try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon
sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying
things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it,
and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into
the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires,
refuse to discuss the situation.
Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're
trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but
you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a
recipe for really great chili.